Is it true what they say about Bald Guys?

The real question here is, what DO they say about bald guys?

I posed this question to a bald man I met randomly one night. He couldn't tell me. And to be fair, I have no idea what they say, so if he confirmed or denied it I wouldnt know what he was confirming or denying!!

Of course everything they say about red heads is true, I'm a walking example of that.

I decided to go back to his place and find out ... I gotta say if a friend of mine hadn't swung my mind otherwise, I would swear off bald guys for life! He smelt like ass, or should I say my nose smelt like ass after he shoved his ring in my face.
It's something that you should give a person some warning about. I did my best not to vomit on the leather lounges in his metro inner-city apartment. It took alot of restraint, but I survived and 3 days later the smell finally cleared...

But I STILL don't know what they say about bald guys!

Commando

I decided to go Commando today, not as risqué as it sounds because I have jeans on, but none the less my bum was colder than usual.

That's all; just thought I would share.

My New Job!

As you know, I have quit my glorious corporate day job. I was nice and gave 6 weeks notice mostly because I didn't have another job to go to. I've been quite lazy and haven't even started looking for something new and not what I have just over a week until unemployment I thought I should get myself into gear.

After a few beers in Newtown, I caught the train home and stopped in at my local to give the bar Manager a run for her money;
I was ecstatic and drunk bragging about how I had quit my job and asked if they would hire me.
Her reply? 'sure babe, I'd love to have you on board, when do you want to start?'
Monday week?
Not a problem!
Wicked!!

Now I just have one problem; not that its really a problem, more of an embarrassment on my own behalf because I have had a couple of really drunken nights at this pub.
One night I was so hammered, I was kicked out of the pub and to ensure I got home safely I was escorted home by the local Sargent. I didn't make it back to my place and instead ended up back at his ... Whoops! But I was able to cross the police force off my list ... and because he took me home in a professional capacity, it wasn't completely obvious to everyone else.

I will still see him on a regular basis as this is his watering hole ... I'll let you know how uncomfortable it is!

Busted

There is one downside to going to the pub, and sometimes you can count it as an upside, but when you keep embarrassing yourself its not such a good thing to be a local.

I try to mix it up by going to different places, but generally I just become a regular at all of ‘em.

I stand out from the crowd so am easily remembered by many people, even if I don’t remember them. I talk to anyone and everyone, and sometimes it can get me into trouble.

I was having a beer with a couple of 60 year old Labourers with missing teeth and scraggly hair, having a good ol yarn. One was so impressed that he called his son and introduced me to his son. Thankfully it wasn't one of those 'like father, like son' situations and the son was actually good looking

We got on like a house on fire and one thing led to another. And we ended up across the road at his place. Not being able to contain ourselves we ended up at it in the middle of the lounge.

I can still hear the scream of shock and horror when his mum walked in on the two of us banging on the family coffee table.

'Oh Shaun!' (that was her not me).

His father rushes in to see what the fuss was about, and seeing the two of us naked, comes over gives his son a high five and starts congratulating him. Leaving me feeling mighty uncomfortable, declining the offer of naked coffee and taking my the queue to leave.

You Live, You Learn

I'm quite happy to announce to the world that I am a bogan! You might not be able to tell from first impressions, but my penchant for not wearing shoes usually gives it away.

When I go out there are two different types of places I will go to depending on my mood; if I want to dance it will be to a club. Here I’ll be wild and crazy and will have a great time, but it’s never to pick up.

Alternatively, I will choose a working mans pub. Shooting the shit with roadies would be a favourite past time for me and I’ve made some awesome people and had very random convos over the years, for example last night at the pub I got talking to two guys about ants, pretty random topic and not something you would be talking about at a swanky bar in the city, in fact if you admitted having ants I’m sure you would be barred for life.

I learnt a couple of interesting ant facts; apparently ants taste quite nice, even better with a little lemon and lime.

But what do ants like to eat? Naturally they are scavengers and will take what they can get; first hand experience from one guy who, after getting off and cleaning himself, left the tissue and the ants went crazy!

So boys, if you don’t want to waste it, save it for the Ants, they appreciate a good source of protein.

I realised it was an orgy when

You know those great nights out where you meet random people and just fall headfirst into drunken fun?
Today’s post details one of my first experiences in the city; back when I could almost claim innocence …
When moving to Sydney, I had decided one thing, wherever I settled, it had to be close to the city!! I managed to find an awesome townhouse/flat in a suburb not too far away from Newtown, Sydney’s Goth/punk/alternative/gay/lesbian/transgender - you get the picture, I don’t need to keep selling it! Knowing it was stumbling distance away I decided to explore with one of my new flatmates. L as she will affectionately be known introduced me to her favourite pub complete with cocktail happy hour!

There have been a couple of instances in Newtown where I have been a little slow of the mark. One occasion I was walking down the street checking out the alternative boutique stores and noticed a mannequin in the window wearing some pretty funky boots and a kick ass skirt. Deciding that there was definitely going to be more to see inside I wandered in. I was greeted with a smile by the guy at the counter, dressed smartly in a corset and white shirt.
Browsing through some of the unique paraphernalia I noticed the intense smell of balloons and recognised the lingering taste in my mouth as if I’d just blown up a dozen or so, then slowly turning around realised that I had stumbled into a rubber fetish shop.
The other occasion of note was at the cocktail bar. Walking in, I was impressed by the eye candy behind the bar. There were some gorgeous girls who were friendly and up for a chat, and a cute bartender who I later learned was in transition. I’m always interested in the beer coasters at each bar; I think it shows a lot about the venue. If funky feminine designed coasters, fully garnished cocktails and flirty barmaids weren’t hint enough, I certainly clicked when I read an advertisement in the ladies for a girl on girl pool tournament …
This was where my flatmate first came out to me, and although it wasn’t a huge surprise, I made the resolution to be more observant…

Later on in the night, when we had both decided to beat the feet home (I love living in such close vicinity to so many bars/pubs) we got talking to a couple of guys called Brad and Mel, they were some of the most flamboyantly gay men that I have ever met and was flattered when they invited us over for champagne with a couple of their friends.

Off we trotted back to theirs for champers, and I found myself in a situation that felt bizarrely like a couples night. L and myself, the two guys we’d met on the street, and a blonde friend of theirs complete with her new boyfriend that she had met off the internet two weeks previously. Two bottles were sunk before L went home for the night and we made our way down to the Imperial for what was promised to be an experience. And that it was. Complete with Drag show, and gay club downstairs we danced the night away.

Once the bar dried up it was time to head home for the night, but before we could head off for the night Blondie – who also managed a local bar – offered to keep the party going at hers. This was conveniently above the pub she managed. So here was the 5 of us upstairs of a seedy pub in Newtown drinking Bourbon of all the things in the world. (I am not a Bourbon drinker!)

It was coming into the heat of summer and the place was rather hot. I was sweating in the skirt and singlet top I had on, as you can imagine the guys were sweltering in their jeans and shirts; Blondie wanting to cool down she went into her room to change and came back wrapped in a Toga. you see she didn't really have much to her name, except for sheets and they were much cooler than what the guys were wearing. Brad and Mel left shortly after and came back also dressed in Togas, which is where the party got friendly. First it was just the two guys, then the guys swapped places, and one started getting friendly with the couple, there was some flashing of skin followed by touching and then I realized that things were taking a turn...

It was late, so I said my goodbyes, left them to it and one wide eyed teenager wondering what she had gotten herself into stepped out into the world a little less innocent than she was before...

Fuck me, My Penis is Blue!

Officially this is the most random thing I have woken up to!

I opened my eyes, my head was spinning, and I struggled to remember the night before. I have to admit that at the beginning of the night I was a B and S Virgin, but at the end of the night, I had proved that a virgin I was no more …

For anyone who has never been before I highly recommend it, that is if you don’t mind getting a little dirty.
A ‘B & S’ or Bachelors and Spinsters party was traditionally where true blue Aussie farmers went back in the day to pick up a wife; these days it’s more about finding Mrs Right Now than Mrs Right.
These are located in regional areas, and it took great effort for my friend Marilyn and I to make our way up. Considering the two of us each have a license but no car, it does get tricky. Thanks to her awesome country connections we made it up to Monkerai for a night of drunken debauchery!

Let me give you a little background in case you’re like me and have no idea what your in for; Directions to get to the property where this is held are something like this…

Drive 17kn North from town X. Turn left and follow the dirt road 8km.

Once you reach the gate with the sign saying B and S ball on the post, you get a little excited, and then join a line of cars about 1km long. 2 ½ hours of drinking and checking out the random people in the Ute’s in front and behind of you as you progress very slowly down to the gate. The guy in front of us was pretty good looking from behind, we all checked him out but he was average when he turned around. We decided the young farmer girl – with the name ‘Jess’ on the back of her ’05 leavers Jersey – trying in vain to pick him up could have him.

The bumper sticker on the back of his Ute set the mood for the night: “M.O.R.E Wanted” (M.O.R.E=Meaningless Overnight Relationship).

Once you reach the end of the line, you’re ID is recorded … then you reach the venue, (the venue being a fancy word for the huge paddock cordoned off into 3 sections). One very large oval at least the size of a couple of football fields – I could be wrong, my drunken perception sometimes fails me.

Around the outside are Ute’s parked up; tray facing the centre with guys sitting on the back, beer in hand indulging in their popular past time off drinking and in the centre of the oval are Ute’s doing circle work – that’s Bogan Aussie slang for burnouts!
lining the side of the road leading to the Ute show are all the other cars, 4WD’s and the odd van where people had set up to check out everyone who was incoming while keeping themselves in pole position to make an exit the following day.

Half way down, was entrance to the area where you could park your vehicle and set up your swag ready for the early hours of the morning when you need to fall into bed.

And last but not least was the actual ball area. A stage for the band and marquees for drinks and food, the ground is pure mud by the end of the night!!

Something about being out in the middle of nowhere made me remember my country roots and become incredibly feral; subsequently, trying to pick a couple of fights with random guys. Both were much bigger than I was and subsequently decided that I was no threat and laughed off the drunk girl, the second time round when I was laughed at I hitched up my dress and pissed all over this guys shoes - Completely out of character, but not surprising really!

Paramount was enjoying myself and having a great night out; but eventually you need to find somewhere to bunk down for the night and not one to pass up an opportunity, I had a clear goal in mind: I wanted to wake up and watch the sunrise on the back of a Ute.

Gotta say those farmers scrub up well! Within an hour I had lost track of everyone I knew but the drinks had gone to my head and I had made some new friends.

Shaun of the Dead was the first of the night, and although he didn’t have his own Ute, I suggested that we could probably have a quickie and still be back in time for the end of the ball … needless to say I ticked off having sex on the back of a Truck.

Making it back to the party everyone was completely sloshed, and the time I had spent away had sobered me up, so I played catch up and made friends with a young woman who eventually took off her shirt and was dancing around topless, and ripped off my dress so that I could do the same. It was fun for about two seconds until I realised that I wasn’t drunk enough for all the attention I was getting. I pulled the straps up and made my way through the sea of people.

I made friends with a new guy who to the best of my recollection was called Jared … Well that’s what I decided to call him anyway.

The boy had a Ute, it was all the encouragement I needed and we left the party.

Unfortunately, there was no privacy when we were on the Ute with half a dozen guys all drinking around us throwing ice and doing all they could to kill the mood.

I left, Jared followed, bringing his swag and we parked ass beside a random campfire and made out, eventually making it into the swag for complete privacy.

The morning came and all around the campfire everyone compared the multitude of colours covering their bodies… I stirred at the point where an excited and surprised male voice beside me proudly exclaimed, “Fuck me, my penis is blue”.

This caused all sorts of shits and giggles from near and far, and as the boy and I rolled around and others outside were made aware we were out of our drunken slumber, the curious came to investigate

“Do we know anyone with Red Hair?”

A round of “No’s” and we were free of further discussion, but realising that there was sunlight outside and I would have to make a break for it some time soon, I got myself up and greeted the random group of people that had gathered around. And in the light of day realised that I had stolen Jess’s man, all of her ground work was for nothing! But one thing is for sure no one does a meaningful overnight relationship better than me!

I arrived back at my Swag still tightly bundled up and received a round of applause. We all recounted the night that was… and it was time to go home.

See y'all next year!

Join the Navy feel a man, Join the Army and be a man!

Q. How do you increase patronage in a bar where numbers are waning during cold winter nights?

A. Share your place of work with a bunch of sexually oppressed men in the world of online dating …

Over the past couple of months the bar that I work at has died down in numbers of punters who stay to club until closing time; to spice up the night a bit, I’ve been screening guys via the good ol internet and casually dropping the name of the club that I work at. Last night, there was a massive surge in randoms who dropped in and I noticed one or two trying to distinguish who the girl was in that fuzzy photo posted in my profile. And it’s a hard choice between myself and one of the other girls, only because both of us are red heads …

I did find myself a strapping lad as company …

And what did he do for a living? Apparently it was obscure and I would never guess.
A trumpet player in the Army Band?
Why did I guess that? Who knows! Close but no cigar … he plays Trombone! Lets just call it womens intuition.

A man in uniform is just too hard to pass up! I found myself at his place until the early hours of the morning, and made it home sleep deprived shortly after breakfast …

I’ve crossed Navy Boy and Army Boy off my checklist … now it’s just a matter of finding a man in the Air Force, any suggestions?